Lou is crying hysterically on the phone because Soc just announced that he’s leaving her for their 22 year old babysitter. I go over, thinking maybe I can talk to Soc, but Soc is nowhere to be seen. “The coward left,” she says. The doorbell rings. It’s Carmen, Lou’s sister. Carmen walks right past me as if I’m the invisible man. She gives Lou a hug. “I told you not to marry into that loser family,” she says.
I open my mouth to protest, but what’s the use? Anything I say is going to be shot down by Carmen. I sit quietly and watch Rosa, their housekeeper, finish making dinner. She asks Carmen if she’s had dinner. “What about me?” I say, “Doesn’t anyone care that I’m hungry?” Rosa gives me a look as she hands Carmen a plate. She walks past me to get the utensils and gives me a whack on the back of my head. “That’s for letting him do this to Lou,” she says. “Me?” I say. “What’s this got to do with me?” Rosa tells me to stop with the “semantics”. “Oprah,” she says when I ask her how she knows that word. Oprah, it seems, is teaching everyone I know English.
Carmen wants to know where that “loser” and that **** of a babysitter are? Lou doesn’t know where that loser is. As for that **** of a babysitter, “loser” sent her to the Bahamas until all this blows over. Rosa hears this and now she’s banging pots like crazy because five years she’s worked here and not once did anyone in this family offer her a vacation. I say, “Okay, you know what, Rosa? This is about Lou, not you.” Rosa walks over and gives me another whack on the side of the head. “Move over,” she says. I do and she sits her fat butt down and reaches for the TV Guide. There’s a picture of the What Husband? cast on the front cover. “Weren’t you supposed to be on that show?” she says.
I stare straight ahead and try to think of an answer. Carmen thinks of an answer before I do. “Yeah, Rosa, he was the husband but then the producer got smart and realized who needs a husband like him.” I get up to go but Rosa won’t hear of it. “Get me some wine,” she says, “and I’ll have some of my veal scallopini.” I look at her. “Isn’t that your job?” I say. “I’m on vacation,” she says. “If that **** of a baysitter can go on vacation, then so can I.”
I look at Lou and Carmen. “A glass of wine wouldn’t be bad,” Lou says. “Red, for me,” Carmen says. Rosa turns on the TV. Two more hours until the premiere of What Husband?. Ma calls. She wants to know what channel What Husband? is on. I grab the phone from Lou. “I thought you said you wouldn’t watch that show after what they did to my part,” I say. “Oh vewy sowy,” she says in a really bad Chinese accent, “I have wong number. See you.”